I've been having a bit of a relapse recently.
Not really a just a bit, because that would be an understatement. The closer the new semester gets the more I feel tension rising and panic building, up to the point where I don't know what to do and how to deal with it.
As a result I stay at home. I stay in my room.
And I don't want to leave this little place of hiding from where I know I'm safe. I'm scared to walk through town to see Hannes. I'm not technically afraid of him, but just very scared to meet him somewhere (and worst case scenario -the new gf) because he is somewhat is still important to me (that's what my little confuesd heart tells me, at least).
I tried to picture the situation and find ways to deal with the "encounter" and can't seem to find the right thing to do.
#Just saying "hello" and walking away without further talking (to try and keep a possible reconnection and thought provoking statements away from me)
#Saying "hello" and smalltalk (which could be really bad because it could make me ponder about what he said and just messing up my head again)
#Saying nothing at all (childish)
A whole new situation if I meet him with his gf:
#throwing things -NO
#screaming at him -NO
#crying - NO
# ... "Insert smart answer here"
I just can't get my head to stop thinking about that utter shit. I can't just get to "standby mode" and think nothing or possibly something happy about flowers, rainbows and pink fuzzy bunnies. Thus I have difficulties to sleep at night. I try to think about nothing and when I let my mind wander I find myself getting nervous and sneaking back to the "no-no topic"...
Semester is going to start on Monday, so you can imagine that I'm scared shitless.
ONE good thing though.
Wanting to express this feeling I picked up an old friend, my camera and took a picture. I'm not sure if it only halfway expresses what I'm feeling, but well.. here it is.
-selfportrait 04/2009
There is a lot of things going on at the moment. Family problems that make me worry about my mom and my brother (who thinks I just don't care about anything, or about him.. but all I can say is that I very much care about him, because he's my brother and I want him to do well and be happy)...
It's just getting me down more than my family or friends can imagine. So I'm not in the mood to go out and the try to pressure me to come with them and don't be such a drag to stay at home. But when someone puts pressure on me and I absolutely don't want something, i get even more stubborn and just completely cut myself off from everyone.
Unfortunately for me /fortunately for them the new semester is drawing near and I HAVE to go out again :/
I'm listening to a lot of music recently and really like the albums from 12 Stones "Anthem for the Underdog" and "Potter's Field" and Fuel's "Angels & Devils" a lot.
Music can be such a comfort and make me feel stronger and better about myself. But only one song can bring me down again. Like "Colorblind" by the Counting Crows or "Run" by Snow Patrol (and sadly, there are so so so many of those sad songs, that can instantly make me cry a river. or maybe a whole ocean)...
Also I'm reading a lot of books recently. Two or three at a time to keep my head nice and full of information and stories to make it forget about my own stuff :)
Today I finally got a book I have been waiting for so long. I think the title will amuse Susan and Kelley very much, so here is a picture of it, as the cover is very essential to the " whole experience"
with this photo I shallround up my post for today.
Tomorrow, there is a big family gathering because of my cousins holy communion, which will be very long, filled with food, zombies, photos and an iPod full of great songs.
I hope everyone is doing fine!! I send you a lot of hugs and kisses and <3
I miss my american friends :(
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