Episode 7: Semester Break, Failed Exams and Realizations

Finally, this semester is over.
(at least technically,… two exams left, but there are no classes anymore)

I wrote a lot of exams the last two weeks (I should have written more, but I didn’t even go to the exams because I found, that mentally, I wasn’t able to) and I got the distinct feeling that I might have failed half of them.

It’s not as serious as it is annoying and sad, because it shouldn’t have been such a disastrous semester.


I'm sorry for talking about 'The Hannes Issue' so frequently, but it really bothers me and is very important to me.

On Friday, the last day of classes, I wanted to straighten things out with Hannes and finally get a statement of how things will go on, since I told you that we talked on the phone on Thursday, where he told me he won’t start arguments with his new girlfriend for his friendship with me.

Before we went to the last class together, I got a chance to talk to him in the hall.

I told him how I felt about the situation, that I did all and everything in my powers to be friends with him and that he didn’t and doesn’t do anything or even try. Again, he just said that he can’t, for the sake of his new girlfriend change anything about the situation (which to me seems like a cowardly and spineless excuse). He says he likes me and feels like he messed up my life (damn right he has) and that he still likes me and all…

Well, great,… but that doesn’t just help, if he is too scared to do anything, so just f*** that shit.

I clearly told him that I don’t want to be a second class friend and that I don’t want to be the one giving and trying and holding on while he only wants to take whatever his girlfriend allows.
I won’t take a half-ass friendship with the person that means the most to me, still.

No friendship in this world will work if someone decides to not do anything for it. Friendship is not only a TAKING things and I thought that Hannes was old and clever enough to understand the concept of GIVE and TAKE.

*

*

End of story, he says he won’t stress and endanger his relationship for a friendship with me, which consequently for me means that I will have to retreat and break off all and every contact with him.

This realization just hit me and it hit me hard because I never thought something that meaningful and big would end like that and go down like the Titanic.

From this point on there is nothing more I can possibly do, which also hurts since I really would have given everything and done everything for it to work. Also, I really wouldn’t have wanted to give up for the sake of HER being content and happy with my retreat. It makes me angry to even think about how happy SHE might be now… But then I didn’t do it for HER but for me (or else wise I had to give up myself) and maybe I did it for Hannes (because I want him to be happy … because I still like him).

For now I have to try to get my thoughts away from him, HER and us and everything that reminds me of him. It will be hard and it will hurt a lot but there is no other way, no more thing I can do.

Knowing this makes me feel so helpless and restricted again. I feel panic rising because I know I can’t do anything more or change the whole crappy situation. I want to hit Hannes and scream at him how he messed up my life, how he managed to make me feel like something less important than a trash can, how he threw away our friendship and how he left me on the curb although he promised to be there for me.

I will survive. It will hurt like hell, there will be a lot of bad days and “relapse”- phases and I will miss Hannes very much. I'm a bit scared.

                                                                     ****************

Something big on my TO DO list during my semester break (but even bigger on my PROCRASTINATION list) is an important exam on the 19th of february. I’m having a hard time to concentrate and I do everything not to have to study!

Today I made dinner for me and my mom (stuffed mushrooms with pasta) and I made ‘white chocolate cupcakes’ which look so cute and yummy (took some photos of it to procrastinate some more)…

Also, I was playing some with my bunny Maja, who is still not eating anything but hay… Some while ago she stopped eating her pet food and got really thin and weak. She still doesn’t eat her pet food, but as long as she eats a decent amount of hay she should be fine.. for now :/
Took some pictures for Alli, because the bunny does the weirdest stuff sometimes!

                                                          The bunny disapproves!!

                                                               The funny can fly!

                                                       Oh noes!! It's a bunnybird!

Enough for today.

It's 1 am and I have to catch the bus to get to work today at 8.15 am... 

There's going to be a lot of work this week. Thursday night, I will be working an extra shift from 6pm to 11pm because there'll be a lecture and I will be serving drinks and selling books! Also there's a lot of studying and procrastination to do... 

*sigh*

I'm so so so soooo looking forward to go to the USA on the 25th of february and to see my friends again!!

Episode 6: Heartbreaks, Heartaches and Breakdowns...

I know it’s been a while – actually a really long time - since my last blog post here.

Looking back on the previous posts, when my life seemed to be just fine, happy and great, looking at it now it seems like a burnt down city in ruins and ashes. 

I won’t be able to explain everything that happened in just one post and some of the things better stay untold, because just thinking back of all the horrible things makes me really sad and that just gets me back to my depression mood again. 

If someone told me the story of myself of the last six months, I’d say that they are kidding and this kind of crap couldn’t happen to just one single person, and if it could, it had to be really really bad low budget drama.

So it basically started last August, when my Dad ‘left’ .

My mum and I were shopping and when we came back we found a note on the kitchen table saying that he had to go and won’t come back. Everybody only lives once and that this was his life and his chance to live. He left just like that. No warnings. Just gone.

After that happened I retreated a lot, basically hid from the world, but I still had Hannes, my (now ex) boyfriend, who was the biggest support anyone can probably think of. He tried to cheer me up and to be there for me, but I guess he was having a hard time to do so, because I couldn’t just be happy and carefree. I was more than just glad that he was trying to be there for me, but I think I might not have been able to properly show that.

Then, after long time of hiding I went to the vet with my bunny. She just needed a shot for the weird bunny disease, but the vet didn’t even get to that part. She had the bunny on her arm and didn’t hold it properly and when the bunny (being scared) tried to leap off her arm she squished it with her elbows and broke its spine.
The bunny gone, too, I was just devastated. The bunny had always been there, just silent but there and cuddly when I was sad. Having spent a lot of time in my room alone the last weeks the bunny got my little silent companion. 

Still Hannes was there for me.
But that, too didn’t last very long. He broke up with me early September. I just couldn’t believe it. He was the one supporting me during the hard time and telling me that things would get better in the new semester, that we would go out and do stuff and that our friends would be there too and that we’d go on vacation next week. Obviously, we didn’t.
I couldn’t and I still can’t understand how he has been there to support me and promise me all those things and then … just leave.

It’s been the worst thing that ever happened to me and I can’t believe that there will still be something that could probably affect me in that way ever again. I lost my boyfriend, my best friend, the person I trusted most and that knew me best, my support, the place I felt home at and just every little hold that was still left. 

I felt utterly and completely alone, desperate and I wouldn’t have minded dying. (sorry if that sounds cheesy and stupid)… I couldn’t do anything anymore. I couldn’t concentrate anymore, sleep or eat. I just completely lost track and focus of what was happening around me and whit me. And I didn’t mind in the slightest. 

         So after about a month he told me he was on love with someone else. All the time before he told me I already felt that this must be the thing that happened and when he told me I was proven right and it hurt even more. It got a lot worse during the semester when we had classes together and he was sitting next to me. I couldn’t focus on anything anyways, I just went to class to keep myself from sitting at home and being tempted to maybe hurt myself. Most of the time I could keep my tears and feelings inside until I arrived home and then let it go … But quite sometimes I was just sitting in class crying and not caring about anyone seeing me cry. 
Everything and anything reminded and still reminds me of us… him and me… just every little thing and I can’t see a way to make the hurt go away.

So now he’s dating this other girl, who, on a very weird and grotesque way sent me messages to let me know she’d never stand in the way of a friendship between Hannes and me. 
Hehe… so I just leave the guessing part to you now.

- Of course, she doesn’t want Hannes and me being friends.

- Of course, she doesn’t want Hannes and me doing stuff together.

- All we are ‘allowed’ to do is maybe go to a café and have some coffee or talk on the phone. 

I was thinking about this a lot and the last 2 months. I did my absolute best to be content with how this has been going. But since Hannes, when we broke up told me, he would never let anyone restrict him in a way to not see me or do stuff with me anymore, I was still hoping that the situation would change… maybe … hopefully. Sadly he dindn’t and couldn’t keep this promise since he just subjects to what SHE tells him to. 

I was hoping I didn’t have to lose him completely and forever, since he is the only person on this world I completely trust and that just knows me for who I am. I was wishing for us to be friends and for me to still be able to have him as a part in my life, as a very good friend. 

                                              **********

Today we were talking on the phone.

Tomorrow is our last day of classes and then there is going to be a break until mid april. I was suggesting to him that I’d just try to not contact him for the break and with that give him and his new girlfriend the possibility to be happy, since this is what I wish for him to be. With that in mind I was hoping that after the break we could try to be friends.

     He always keeps saying he’s sorry that he can’t change the situation and he can’t do anything for the situation to clear up and get better for me because he doesn't like to see me suffering. 
The thing is he actually is the ONLY ONE that probably could do something for the situation to clear up or change. He could try to talk to HER about it and make clear to hear that we are just friends. But he told me he told HER once (or maybe twice) that he wanted to do stuff with me, but since they then naturally had an argument (which Hannes doesn’t like and always tired and tries to avoid) he stopped talking to HER about it, to aviod arguments.

Well back to the phone call:
I told him that he was the only one being able to change the situation in making clear to HER that the HANNES-KAT stat is just f-r-i-e-n-d-s. 
He told me that not one more time he will be going to argue about me with HER, since he doesn’t want to destroy his new relationship or stress the new relationship because SHE clearly told him she doesn’t want him to do stuff with me. 

He says talking on the phone or meeting in a café would be enough as friendship. 

I don’t think that it would be enough for me. Not only because I would have tried anything , just any- f***ing – thing, to possibly try to be friends, but also for he still is the person that means most to me in this whole wide world – even as a friend. 

So him telling me that he won’t argue with HER again just because of me shows me my position. I can be a second class friend subjecting to HER wishes and restrictions of our friendship or I can be nothing at all.

I guess I’ll go with the NOTHING then.

I can’t allow myself to hurt and bleed to death while I try to keep up a pseudo friendship with someone who is so much more important to me that a pseudo friendship could ever give.

     I mobilized all my strengths the last 3 months to cope with this all, and try my best to keep it up, and with ever little bit of me trying to keep it up I lost a little part of myself on the way, gave up a little part of myself while I was trying to adjust to what our friendship was dictated to be like. So what did he do  be friends with me? Did he try? Would he even want to when he doesn't show any sings of wanting to change anything? Is this how it's supposed to end?

I feel empty. 
I feel just dead and weak.

I now see where he places our ‘valued’ friendship… but I’m not going to sink that LOW to go with that.  

This realization really hurts. 
I cried all day and I still need to do work for class that is due tomorrow.
I’m still crying while I type this, … 

 


I'm sorry if parts of this post are incoherent and full of spelling mistakes.

I don't care enough to make this post look nice or grammatically/literally valuable.