(at least technically,… two exams left, but there are no classes anymore)
I wrote a lot of exams the last two weeks (I should have written more, but I didn’t even go to the exams because I found, that mentally, I wasn’t able to) and I got the distinct feeling that I might have failed half of them.
It’s not as serious as it is annoying and sad, because it shouldn’t have been such a disastrous semester.
I'm sorry for talking about 'The Hannes Issue' so frequently, but it really bothers me and is very important to me.
On Friday, the last day of classes, I wanted to straighten things out with Hannes and finally get a statement of how things will go on, since I told you that we talked on the phone on Thursday, where he told me he won’t start arguments with his new girlfriend for his friendship with me.
Before we went to the last class together, I got a chance to talk to him in the hall.
I told him how I felt about the situation, that I did all and everything in my powers to be friends with him and that he didn’t and doesn’t do anything or even try. Again, he just said that he can’t, for the sake of his new girlfriend change anything about the situation (which to me seems like a cowardly and spineless excuse). He says he likes me and feels like he messed up my life (damn right he has) and that he still likes me and all…
I clearly told him that I don’t want to be a second class friend and that I don’t want to be the one giving and trying and holding on while he only wants to take whatever his girlfriend allows.
I won’t take a half-ass friendship with the person that means the most to me, still.
No friendship in this world will work if someone decides to not do anything for it. Friendship is not only a TAKING things and I thought that Hannes was old and clever enough to understand the concept of GIVE and TAKE.
*
End of story, he says he won’t stress and endanger his relationship for a friendship with me, which consequently for me means that I will have to retreat and break off all and every contact with him.
This realization just hit me and it hit me hard because I never thought something that meaningful and big would end like that and go down like the Titanic.
From this point on there is nothing more I can possibly do, which also hurts since I really would have given everything and done everything for it to work. Also, I really wouldn’t have wanted to give up for the sake of HER being content and happy with my retreat. It makes me angry to even think about how happy SHE might be now… But then I didn’t do it for HER but for me (or else wise I had to give up myself) and maybe I did it for Hannes (because I want him to be happy … because I still like him).
For now I have to try to get my thoughts away from him, HER and us and everything that reminds me of him. It will be hard and it will hurt a lot but there is no other way, no more thing I can do.
I will survive. It will hurt like hell, there will be a lot of bad days and “relapse”- phases and I will miss Hannes very much. I'm a bit scared.
Something big on my TO DO list during my semester break (but even bigger on my PROCRASTINATION list) is an important exam on the 19th of february. I’m having a hard time to concentrate and I do everything not to have to study!
Today I made dinner for me and my mom (stuffed mushrooms with pasta) and I made ‘white chocolate cupcakes’ which look so cute and yummy (took some photos of it to procrastinate some more)…
Also, I was playing some with my bunny Maja, who is still not eating anything but hay… Some while ago she stopped eating her pet food and got really thin and weak. She still doesn’t eat her pet food, but as long as she eats a decent amount of hay she should be fine.. for now :/
Took some pictures for Alli, because the bunny does the weirdest stuff sometimes!
The bunny disapproves!!
The funny can fly!
Oh noes!! It's a bunnybird!
There's going to be a lot of work this week. Thursday night, I will be working an extra shift from 6pm to 11pm because there'll be a lecture and I will be serving drinks and selling books! Also there's a lot of studying and procrastination to do...
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2 comments:
Hey just think in two weeks you will be here with all of us; its gonna be great. when you start feeling bad just think about being here with all of us. :)
p.s. you have noo idea how good that cupcake looks after the craptastic cafe dinner that i just had.
Yeah Kat just listen to Eric he's pretty smart....sometimes ;) We all cant wait to see you Kat. sometimes we'll just see each other and be like "KATS COMING THE 25TH YEAH!!!"
were gonna have so much fun and if you ever need to talk we'll be there for you. or if you just dont want to think about it Im really good at distracting people.....Meliss in a box's :)
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